We are in your parents' house and the living room is quiet. Pictures of youthful complexions stain your living room. The blinds keep out sunlight and you tire of watching the television turned on. The couch is tacky and uncomfortable like the mess of bills that litter the dining room table. When I sit next to you the universe feels empty. Words pulsate around the room and become flesh. No one knows what to say. Recollection of your bedroom and how it looked more like you, or what I imagined to be you. You are succinct in action and I thought there would never be anything more than this. Together we work out the question of our ages, the cold does nothing to help. Watching each other undress to the tune of "why should anyone give a shit" and the sunlight pours in to hide your face. I didn't feel like seeing you today under my breath and we leave for a dream I have where I am hitting you and hurting you and someone is screaming and your voice is in distinct contrast to how I feel as my fist makes contact with your face. I hate the way you look. Your face is damaged and in another dream you are sitting next to me on a train. The seats are orange, and the rails are direct. The motion syncs with the words that are now entering conversation. Apologizing to a blank stare, I dig my head into your shoulder and then your chest and fall into the empty universe of your body's anatomy and float by the dark spaces that hide the parts of you no one knows about. No one knows but me. Skin turns white and leaks into the carpet of your living room where the television is on and there is a movie playing with no clear protagonist and your mother's voice fills my ears. It's sweet and sincere and reminiscent of simpler times. Long for affection and shut your eyes, look at me when I speak to you. You're the filthy shadow following me, and I wish you were just an unclean memory. But you're not and nothing changes. Nothing ever changes.
Track Name: i'm going to eat my own words
I'm going to school and the sun rises around 5 am, my life is back to normal and I am glad. I'm appreciative of the scenery and am in love with the beauty in everything in my life.
My body wakes up now at an appropriate time and I don't think about you daily. I no longer look at the moon and both my eyes they close in unison.
Track Name: company
You were courageous but not curious enough to investigate my past, those things hidden behind my laugh and what they really mean. Delicate and fractured, your toes in the shoes you bought yourself, we're all so proud of you.
Keep spitting words into my ears, they cut me like sharp knives. Tell me definition of "you" and explain to me how I'm the scum of your life. You treat me right and I treat you right, but it's not serious because no one said it's serious at all.
Hurt me and make me feel like however you want me to feel like. I'm fucking scum and undeserving of company likes yours, company that I'd adore.
So forget what your father knows and I'm sorry your mother quietly offends you. I know I'm never there, but this time make me hurt. Make me hurt like the way you felt.
When I'm with you I don't feel so bad about everything that's ever happened in my life. Company come back.
Track Name: strain
Rot my teeth to spend time with you
It's drizzling out and we can take our clothes off
Bite my neck and spit the aftertaste into my mouth
Wishing we could be more than this
Strain myself over nothing
Strain myself over you
Strain myself over the thought of you
Put back on your clothes and leave me alone
You're more than associated triggers but you beg to differ
Strain the steps you move forward, linger the steps you take back
Hate yourself, just for now, and hope it doesn't last